


Do You Love Her?

by what_the_hell_is_jazzercise



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, My First Work in This Fandom, Sad Ending, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 00:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11520429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_the_hell_is_jazzercise/pseuds/what_the_hell_is_jazzercise
Summary: “Do you love her, Raf? Whoever she is, do you love her?” He didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe.“(Y/N), you’re drunk. You need—““No, answer me. I deserve an answer, Rafael.” Your breathing picked up and you weren’t even sure if you wanted him to reply. You already knew the answer.





	Do You Love Her?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first work ever on AO3 and I'm super excited :D I welcome all feedback (but please go easy on me). Please let me know how I can improve and if you like this fic! I'm considering making another chapter for this but I'm not sure :/  
> -E

The sidewalk was twisting and tequila burned your throat, your limbs heavy and unmoving at your sides. The dull click of high-heels mingling with car horns and the late-night music flowing from pubs. Drunken men and women flowed out of bars onto the sidewalk, the tipsy women doing their best to fend off the stumbling men and their vile advances. You wove your way through the crowded sidewalk as muscle memory guided you blindly in the direction of your apartment.

 

A man staggered onto the pavement in front of you, clutching a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Your drunken brain at least knew to step around the man quickly and not look back. Before you could scuttle away, you felt a bear-like, sweaty hand place a painfully tight grip on your wrist.

 

“Hey there honey, where ya goin?” The pig of a man breathed into your face, almost eliciting a gag. You ripped your arm from his grasp and picked up your pace down the sidewalk. You’d spent enough nights on this street to know how to escape drunk guys, even the polite ones.

 

The nights at the bar down the street quickly grew beyond your ability to count them but you’d never once gone home with anyone. Each night began and ended the same: You’d arrive on your own in a plain dress and you’d leave wasted and alone. It wasn’t that nobody sought out your company. In reality, several men and women alike approached you each night to try their luck. Much to their dismay, each night you went through the same motions: Sit, drink, leave.

 

A cab’s blinding head lights brought you back to reality and your legs still moved of their own accord down the pavement until you reached a beautiful brownstone with a pretty iron gate. The proud building before you contrasted against your mussed up, hazy form. The brick structure was the quintessence of class and luxury. Your rancid breath, black cocktail dress and smeared makeup stood starkly against that classy image.

 

Black heels clicked against the steps as you slowly made your way to the dark, looming door. You knew better than to hope but in that moment, you said a quick prayer. _Maybe he’ll be home tonight…_ But you knew he wouldn’t be.

 

Your manicured hands twisted the doorknob and stumbled inside. You flicked on a light switch, taking a moment to look at the room before you. Cream couch, priceless artwork hanging on the alabaster walls, a classic brick fireplace and timeless oak floors. _The picture of luxury._ And this was your life; hiding behind your _perfect_ life and your _perfect_ house and… your _perfect_ husband. But none of it was perfect, and the tequila on your breath made sure to remind you of that.

 

Your shoes against the hard wood echoed against the white walls as you made your way to the kitchen, in search of the most expensive bottle of scotch you could find. You crossed the threshold to the kitchen and almost fell over in surprise. _He_ was standing there in the kitchen; red tie loosened, jacket and vest removed and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was facing away from you and fiddling with the coffee machine. You snuck a glance at the clock hanging above the fridge. _2:06._ Your eyes resumed staring at his back since he still had not noticed your presence.

 

Before your mind could catch up to your mouth, your tequila tainted song blurted out, ”Where were you?” He barely glanced backwards at you before facing towards to coffee machine again.

 

“I was at the office. I’m working on a big case.” He spoke the words harsh and monotone, as though he’d rehearsed them in his head more than a few times.

 

“That’s funny, because I called Carmen at 8 and she said _you left an hour ago._ ” Once you could comprehend your own words, surprise struck you at how even and strong you’d spoken despite your intoxication.

 

He finally turned to look at you and his eyes raked over your body; judging you, disappointed in you. _He doesn’t get to do that_ , you thought.

 

“Yeah, Liv called me down to the station to help them with this case.” Again, so harsh. _Does he think I’m that stupid?_

 

You took a moment to turn over the words in your brain, knowing full well that what you said next would take you both spiraling down into more arguments.

 

“Do you **love** her, Raf? Whoever she is, do you love her?” He didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe.

 

“(Y/N), you’re drunk. You need—“

 

“No, answer me. I _deserve_ an answer, Rafael.” Your breathing picked up and you weren’t even sure if you wanted him to reply. You already knew the answer.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” _That’s it._

 

“Oh cut the shit! Do you think I’m stupid? Did you think I wouldn’t figure it out?”

 

“(Y/N)—“ _No, he doesn’t get to do this to me._

“Rafael, shut up and listen to me right now or I will walk out that god damn door right now.” His green eyes didn’t leave yours with a look you couldn’t—no, didn’t want to recognize. “Look, I just—I want to know why.” _I was faithful to you even when I knew you weren’t doing the same._

For a while he just looked at you, his eyes saying what he didn’t have the strength to. _Please just let it go. We can go to sleep and pretend it never happened, pretend I didn’t do what I did._

“I saw what it did to you—me being at work so often. I thought that when I came home and you weren’t there… I thought—I wondered every night if that was the night you’d finally leave me. Because I—“ his voice cracked; something that didn’t happen due to all his courtroom practice. “Because I know I can’t make you happy. And I hoped to God that you would find someone that could make you smile again.”

 

You broke his stare to look at a tiny scratch on the kitchen cabinet next to you that all of a sudden seemed very interesting.

 

“Is it Olivia?” You forced your chocolate eyes back up to his, so he would have to look you in the eye. The distance between the two of you felt too large when a single tear fell from his eyes, from those eyes you fell in love with the first night you met.

 

He still didn’t reply but that was enough of an answer for you. _God, where did we go wrong?_

“(Y/N), it’s not like this is all my fault.” You looked up at him incredulously. “Where do you go at night? Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t gone home with one of those—“

 

“Oh don’t you _dare._ I go to the bar to forget what you’ve done, not screw people to get back at you! _Not once_ , have I ever cheated on you in the 5 years we’ve been together. So don’t you dare accuse me of that when you’ve been _screwing_ my best friend for God knows how long.”

 

After what felt like eternity me moved away from the counter, towards the bedroom door.

 

“No! Rafael, we are **not** done here.” You moved towards him as quick as you could, your heels slowing you down. You grabbed his exposed forearm and yanked him towards you.

 

“Please just talk to me… you don’t have to love me, just stay with me one more night. We can pretend to be the people we used to be. I want you to look at me how you did the first night we met, like I was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.”

 

He laughed, remembering that night that had almost escaped his memory.

 

“Back when you were still a cop. You were undercover at that homeless shelter in Staten Island.” With a melancholy look in his green eyes, he chuckled lightly at the memory. “The first time I saw you there was vomit in your hair and I think you were carrying a… dead possum, was it?

 

“It was a rat. My roomie put it under my pillow because I wouldn’t give her my whale socks.” By that time, we were both lost in our own laughter and the warmth of each other’s arms. You hadn’t been this close in months.

 

“I saw you walk into the station, you looked like death but everything about you—I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” You felt a warm jolt on your cheek as he reached up to cup your face. You felt a strong arm snake around your waist and his hand settled on your lower back. _No, we can’t do this._ His eyes shone in the dim kitchen light with something you could only describe as love. _But he doesn’t love me. If he loved me he wouldn’t have cheated on me…_

 

You put your hands on his chest and pushed lightly, “Rafael… I can’t. I’m sorry this was a mistake. This won’t fix us.” The hand on your cheek and arm around your waist fell away slowly. He stepped back a few inches, realization hitting his eyes.

 

“Yeah. You’re right, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—“

 

“It’s fine.” You crossed your arms across your chest as you tried to forget the feeling of his hands on you. You forced yourself to remember, to remember that he didn’t love you and he hadn’t for a long time. You had to remember he would be happier with someone else, that you would be happier with someone else. “I um—you never answered my question.” It was barely a whisper. But you had to know. He still stood a few feet away as if he was afraid to come near you again. You braced yourself once more. “Do you love her?” The silence hung heavy in the air, disturbed only by the pounding of your heart.

 

“Yes, I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you'd like another chapter! -E


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